The "Karma, Faith & Fellowship" Blog

One wouldn't normally think of putting those 3 words in the same sentence. It's like that Mexican guy down the street from us who always has a truck by the side of the road and a cardboard sign advertising what he is selling that day, i.e. "Taquitos, Umbrellas, and Watermelon for Sale." Mark & I always get a kick out of what strange combination of things he sells.

Well, to be honest, I didnt think I was going to get to my faith blog for awhile, but recent events (the stars aligning, I guess) prompted the subject of spirituality to sit (and sizzle) on the brain. 1) My parents asked me to take refuge as a Buddhist again, having felt I had fallen far from "the path" in recent years. 2) I had the opportunity to be part of a unique experience and understand the power of prayer. 3) Mark & I went to church last Sunday, after not having gone in over a year.

I was raised Buddhist and even lived in a Buddhist monastic community and attended a private Buddhist school for 6 years. The experience has had the single most important impact on my life and who I am today. My good friends in college knew me to have a distaste for religious organiztion, and yet I so believed in the cause of finding faith for each individual that I helped found a Buddhist youth group (I later left because I didnt feel my faith and affirmation was strong enough to be a leader--I needed to be a participant). So people who knew me well and those who didnt were surprised when I married a Christian (Lutheran), got baptized, and started going to church and even more surprised to hear that I hadnt converted to Christianity and was STILL a Buddhist.

All labels aside, I am more interested in the concept of faith and fellowship when it comes to discussions of spirituality. Faith is something that I realized (towards the end of my college years) I always sought but seemed to allude me. I masked my envy for those who seemed so giving towards their faith with aloofness, harboring secret views of cynicism and a distaste for religious rituals and archaic practices. I think what makes faith so attractive is knowing that a person can be so sure about something even when all of life points to the contrary. All around us, the practicalities of life test our faith--some would describe that as a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, being lost and being found. The difference between knowing you're lost/not knowing what to do about it and knowing you are lost/but WILL be found is a great one. And yet, faith isnt something to seek or to find, but I believe--something that is realized individually. During the times that faith is tested, it is important to find fellowship to remind us of our faith.

These past 2 years were perhaps the most difficult that I have had to go through in my life thus far (great, if I think it's THIS bad early in life, how much worse can it get?!). I guess I always was a glass-half-empty type of person. In terms of SPIES (socially, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually)--these were definitely challenging times for me. When I reflect upon the actions my Type-A action-oriented personality inevitably forced, I feel I weathered this period of my life quite well. Where I had problems, I faced those problems head-on and sought the respective experts in each area of my life to get it "fixed." However, when I view it from a standpoint of faith and fellowship, I "managed" but I didnt really "let go" because I hadnt found the root cause of the problems to begin with. At that point in time, I had isolated myself from everything around me (fellowship) and from me (faith).

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was led in a 2-hour prayer session with some diehard Christians that I struggled with at first to acqueise to, but then told myself, "What do I have to lose?" I always mocked the words "empowering" or "powerful", but those are the words that have overshadowed my need for "control"--they arent the same thing. I was told I had the characteristics of "sow & reap." After the intensive prayer of repeatedly laying my baggage at the alter, letting it wash away, and clearing my mind to receive a message from God, I realized 3 things about me (it is not hard to do when you are open-minded to drawing lessons learned to your own life & beliefs).

First, my entire life's choices was based on a deeply ingrained philosophy that I HAVE TO suffer in order to get a reward in life--this came from my upbringing as well as my religious beliefs centered on karma. Now karma is popularized in our culture (bumper stickers with "Karma's a bitch" but I do love that show My Name is Earl), but the karma I am talking about is understanding that we are accountable for the outcomes in our lives, whether they were from a previous life or this life. I believe that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason. Christians view it as a test from God to mold you into the purpose he set you out to fulfill and Buddhists view it as you had it coming based on a choice you made before. Between those two viewpoints, I was the absolute anti-victim! And particularly hard on myself--whenever I would think something, I'd ask myself, "Now is that really true? Are you being honest with yourself?" I gave myself no excuses mentally. Alas, we are our own harshest critics, and I would slap myself silly anytime I found myself in the "mud of self-pity" as a victim of something that happened to me. Shit happens, so goes the bumper sticker. And the cause of that shit was me. At some point in my life though, it must have impacted my self-esteem as I took i one step further: I started thinking that however hard I worked, ship would always happen and I just would never see the reward. The mud of self-pity became a downward spiral vortex black hole of depression when I turned around and asked, "Why am I never getting a break here? Why me? I dont deserve this!" (now I know how frustrated the donkey chasing the carrot was). Clarity came when I realized that this was a CHOICE, not a sentence--I could give this up anytime I chose.

Second thing I realized after the 2-hour prayer experience, I was never able to "receive" because I was hell-bent on "giving" all the time. I gave advice, I gave guidance, I have support, I gave my opinion, I gave my time, my love, and my efforts. I didnt clear the landing space to be able to receive anything in return from those around me and from God, Buddhas and Bodhisattvas--advice, guidance, opinions, support, love, care, etc. This is my challenge--to realize that giving up "control" is faith. I dont need to seek it or find it, I just let go of the control and I will naturally have it.

The third thing I realized was that isolation is what spawns depression and self-pity, ultimately immobilizing/paralyzing us from action. The reason why Tom Hanks started talking to Wilson (his soccer ball friend) is that we as humans are not meant to be alone in our cause to seek a higher state of being, whether that for you means co-existing, being at peace, letting go of fears, enlightenment, being at one with God, etc. The reason why we have laws that need to be enforced is that despite our individual desires to become better people, we make mistakes in spite of ourselves. So too is the importance of fellowship, right alongside faith. We otherwise wouldnt be humans who needed faith and fellowship.

I was puzzled to say the least when I received my parents' urgent request to take refuge as a Buddhist. A born-again Buddhist? But then I realized that without practice, an understanding of faith, karma, and fellowship doesnt really mean anything.

Karma is that I dont relinquish my accountability in the choices I make but more importantly that I remember shit happens for a reason and I cant control it, I can only make the best of it--nothing personal. Faith is that even when I give up control over my life, I trust in the outcome of whatever happens. Fellowship is there as a support system to help us move forward when we have become immobilized and to remind us of our faith.

Karma, Faith & Fellowship is like Burritos, Binoculars, and Baseballs at a 5-hour Angels baseball game where you are seated far away from the field, and it helps to have binoculars to see the players and eat a burrito when you get hungry. When you put into context, it becomes clear how they are all essential and more importantly, how they are all inter-connected.