When I was in high school, you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hearing these words echoed in every public speaking engagement and graduation speech: “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…And I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” (courtesy of Robert Frost, in his famous poem, ‘The Road Not Taken.’) The significance of that poem is that it ignited my strong desire to always make my life about the road that was taken, not the road that wasn’t. “No regrets! C’est la vie,” became my carefree college days motto.
I find myself at the crossing where the road diverges into two paths: To have or not to have my own children? It had never occurred to me until recently that I would ever consider not being a mother. Between being the eldest child used to barking after my younger brothers and having the innate “nurturing” gene that made me a good teacher/mentor and an even better babysitter to any young ‘uns you threw at me, I couldn’t help but imagine myself becoming a good mother “one day.” I was recently honored with the privilege of becoming a godmother to my best friend's firstborn son and spent two weeks taking care of her and the baby in its 6th week. Despite the countless diapers changed, incessant inconsolable crying, and the "up at all hours" schedule, I only had to look into his cute eyes (when he was calm of course) and think, "Yeah, I could get used to this. Maybe I should order myself one of these."
That “one day” decision has come because for awhile now, my biological clock has been ticking despite the shrill protesting from my brain. My brain is approaching the situation very logically, but not without heart.
1) I already have two stepkids that I love very much—it’s the best of both worlds, despite the aching I feel when we have to separate. I can be a part-time mom and still devote my life to other pursuits that occupy my energies and time: career, marriage, etc.
2) Why pile on more than I can currently handle? It is clear to me that my natural inclination would be to place priority on child over spouse (crying baby vs. grumpy sex-deprived spouse? Not a hard one for most new mothers). It is also extremely important for me to feel emotionally comfortable about the stability of our marriage and the situation with my stepkids (adopted kids with divorced parents) before bringing more children into the picture. Financially, it doesn’t make sense—since we support 2 already. Children are a tremendous long-term responsibility. Being a worrier, I worry about how I can protect and understand my children in a growing, changing society that is forcing parents to leash their kids for fear of pedophiles and predators and protecting them from bad influences, be it sex for eleven year olds, drugs or alcohol.
3) Selfishly, I think about the other things I want to do in my life that would be relegated to a place some twenty years into the future if children came into the picture. I think economists call it “opportunity cost.” I have always wanted to devote my life to leisure travel, writing, and freelance consulting for businesses and schools. I envision that that life is filled with children, too--perhaps not mine, but certainly those that I know in my family and among friends (including Alexis & Ryan, my godson Sammy Jr, and the children of my cousins & friends) and those that I will come to know in my social network and through volunteering (students, etc.).
We are brought up believing that life follows a linear path in one direction: we are born, grow up, marry, have our own kids, send them off to college, become grandparents, get old, die. In the movie: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt is born old and gets younger (aka hotter) as he ages. The lives take different turns and yet it doesn’t deter from its message: Life is what you make it, whichever path you take. I always wondered why Robert Frost chose to name his poem, “The Road Not Taken” when life is about the road we do end up taking, whether or not it is a path well-trodden.
A life without my own children is a deliberate path, and certainly a road less traveled. And yet, once I could get over the initial fear of its uncertainty , I am sure I would find that this life would not be empty or devoid of meaning at all--but in fact, full of meaning, because it is exactly what I have made it.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The "Truth Be Told" Blog
I do not know WHAT it is about the holidays...but it always makes me reflect a little more deeply than I usually would (perhaps it is because one is SOOO busy rushing around every other time of the year. Oh wait, that's not true, we do that at Christmas too). I finally got done with all the Christmas cards (well, almost) and being me, I refused to make it impersonal and hokey. I handwrote 3 things I appreciated about each person as appropriate and our Christmas letter shared the good news AND THE BAD...the stuff that made me feel like a failure, but felt it was important to be share. I felt it would have been lying to leave out the bad things that had happened, the difficult things we were going through. I really never was a peaches & cream type of gal. But seriously...What makes it so hard for us to be honest about ourselves and our lives to others--most importantly, to those we love most and to our own selves? On any given day, you ask someone how they are, and they say, as if on auto-pilot, "I'm fine." I have to ask my husband 3x before he'll actually admit that he's NOT fine. But you know what they say "fine" really stands for. FINE = Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional.
Truth be told, I actually AM pretty angry about being laid off, despite knowing it was coming and wanting an excuse to leave so I could stop the crazy traveling. Truth be told, I do feel liberated at the same time not to be a workaholic--to be able to sleep odd hours, sit on the couch with my laptop (in sweats or PJ's, no less) and eat comfort food. Truth be told, I hate doing the dishes, but I love cooking--I love planning for a meal. Truth be told, is it SO bad to want the home life over the high-powered career in this modern day & age? Truth be told, I am actually a PRETTY messy and disorganized person, despite my obsession with making lists and being Type-A superplanner. Truth be told, I cry at movies all the time (even the bad ones, even the Lifetime & Hallmark channel ones that I dont confess to watching!) Truth be told, I am actually a jealous and competitive person. Selfish, too! (shocking...) Truth be told, I am feeling a little lost and unsure of myself, even though to the world I want to project myself as the strong one who "rallies the troops" and gets people where they're supposed to be going.
Ok. I think that was enough confession-ing for one blog. The point is, some things (big or small) are kept secret, hidden, stuffed deep down inside...there is so much about ourselves that we feel inclined to keep at bay. Why? Does it start with the childhood admonishments from the elders, "Children should be seen and not heard"? Does it start with trying to please our parents, then our peers, then our significant others...and before we know it, we have become what "they" want us to become and not who we truly are? Does it start with betrayals and abandonment issues from a young age, from family--those who are supposed to love us most?
Recently, in some of the more deeper discussions I've had the benefit of enjoying individually with my 2 brothers, they both said things that got me thinking. One of my brothers told me that growing up, he was always jealous of me and felt that he lived in my shadow--he came to resent me as a result. I could see how hard this was for him to admit aloud to me. And yet, I was blindsided--I had no idea. He told me how he managed to keep this from me, while quietly resenting me all these years. Suddenly, all those arguments made sense now. All I felt at the end of the day was how sorry that such a misconception cost us years of a closer relationship and that I didnt see it sooner to do something about it. My other brother told me that he never trusts family and when questioned why, he answered without a beat, "Because they always backstab you." This, too, shocked me. Family was supposed to be there, through thick and thin. I had to have concrete examples. After hearing him through, I could see why it was justified.
It got me thinking--at such a young age, when our trust was betrayed, we felt, perhaps no one was on our side, that we are on our own and we must build a shell or wall around us to protect ourselves. Thus came the almost innate daily decision-making of who was "in" (on our side) and who was "out" (not on our side). And it is safe to say: pretty much anyone who judged us in a negative way, anyone who disagreed with us, who we perceived didn't like us, who we felt inferior to, who we felt hurt by...guess where they ended up? They were exiled to the other side of the wall. Ironically enough, we created this wall that shielded the truth about ourselves to others and ended up wondering why we are lonely and unhappy.
A few weeks ago, while flipping through an airline magazine, I read with increasing intrigue about the new discovery that Roald Dahl, my favorite childhood author (Matilda, the Witches & the BFG), was actually a WWII spy. It just seemed so extreme, professions on opposite, polar ends. I wondered, how could he do it? How could he deal with two sides of himself, one so public vs. one so private? I couldnt help but ponder, in the end, what did he feel truly defined his life--his brilliance at childrens literature or his brilliance at intelligence gathering? I guess there should be no reason why they have to be mutually exclusive, but that's the problem with social labels, I guess. It just isnt politically correct or proper to be a children's author and a dangerous spy.
Ahhh...judgement labels. My biggest pet peeve in college was being boxed into a category where I had to fit the part. What is the point of all the charades to put up a front? We pretend to be who we're not so that others will perceive us in the light that we want them to perceive us, even if it does not reflect who we really are or makes us happy. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY office politics." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY family drama at the holidays." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually admitted, "I lied during our wedding vows. I actually DONT accept you for who you are. I expect you to change." It may be just my personal opinion, but I think the world would be a lot simplier place and we would have much simpler lives if we just told the truth and more importantly, accepted the truth without taking it personally.
The madness can stop today, if we start with ourselves. One person can still make a difference, at least in the circle of those that he loves. Plus, Bono says it's possible.
Truth be told, I actually AM pretty angry about being laid off, despite knowing it was coming and wanting an excuse to leave so I could stop the crazy traveling. Truth be told, I do feel liberated at the same time not to be a workaholic--to be able to sleep odd hours, sit on the couch with my laptop (in sweats or PJ's, no less) and eat comfort food. Truth be told, I hate doing the dishes, but I love cooking--I love planning for a meal. Truth be told, is it SO bad to want the home life over the high-powered career in this modern day & age? Truth be told, I am actually a PRETTY messy and disorganized person, despite my obsession with making lists and being Type-A superplanner. Truth be told, I cry at movies all the time (even the bad ones, even the Lifetime & Hallmark channel ones that I dont confess to watching!) Truth be told, I am actually a jealous and competitive person. Selfish, too! (shocking...) Truth be told, I am feeling a little lost and unsure of myself, even though to the world I want to project myself as the strong one who "rallies the troops" and gets people where they're supposed to be going.
Ok. I think that was enough confession-ing for one blog. The point is, some things (big or small) are kept secret, hidden, stuffed deep down inside...there is so much about ourselves that we feel inclined to keep at bay. Why? Does it start with the childhood admonishments from the elders, "Children should be seen and not heard"? Does it start with trying to please our parents, then our peers, then our significant others...and before we know it, we have become what "they" want us to become and not who we truly are? Does it start with betrayals and abandonment issues from a young age, from family--those who are supposed to love us most?
Recently, in some of the more deeper discussions I've had the benefit of enjoying individually with my 2 brothers, they both said things that got me thinking. One of my brothers told me that growing up, he was always jealous of me and felt that he lived in my shadow--he came to resent me as a result. I could see how hard this was for him to admit aloud to me. And yet, I was blindsided--I had no idea. He told me how he managed to keep this from me, while quietly resenting me all these years. Suddenly, all those arguments made sense now. All I felt at the end of the day was how sorry that such a misconception cost us years of a closer relationship and that I didnt see it sooner to do something about it. My other brother told me that he never trusts family and when questioned why, he answered without a beat, "Because they always backstab you." This, too, shocked me. Family was supposed to be there, through thick and thin. I had to have concrete examples. After hearing him through, I could see why it was justified.
It got me thinking--at such a young age, when our trust was betrayed, we felt, perhaps no one was on our side, that we are on our own and we must build a shell or wall around us to protect ourselves. Thus came the almost innate daily decision-making of who was "in" (on our side) and who was "out" (not on our side). And it is safe to say: pretty much anyone who judged us in a negative way, anyone who disagreed with us, who we perceived didn't like us, who we felt inferior to, who we felt hurt by...guess where they ended up? They were exiled to the other side of the wall. Ironically enough, we created this wall that shielded the truth about ourselves to others and ended up wondering why we are lonely and unhappy.
A few weeks ago, while flipping through an airline magazine, I read with increasing intrigue about the new discovery that Roald Dahl, my favorite childhood author (Matilda, the Witches & the BFG), was actually a WWII spy. It just seemed so extreme, professions on opposite, polar ends. I wondered, how could he do it? How could he deal with two sides of himself, one so public vs. one so private? I couldnt help but ponder, in the end, what did he feel truly defined his life--his brilliance at childrens literature or his brilliance at intelligence gathering? I guess there should be no reason why they have to be mutually exclusive, but that's the problem with social labels, I guess. It just isnt politically correct or proper to be a children's author and a dangerous spy.
Ahhh...judgement labels. My biggest pet peeve in college was being boxed into a category where I had to fit the part. What is the point of all the charades to put up a front? We pretend to be who we're not so that others will perceive us in the light that we want them to perceive us, even if it does not reflect who we really are or makes us happy. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY office politics." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY family drama at the holidays." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually admitted, "I lied during our wedding vows. I actually DONT accept you for who you are. I expect you to change." It may be just my personal opinion, but I think the world would be a lot simplier place and we would have much simpler lives if we just told the truth and more importantly, accepted the truth without taking it personally.
The madness can stop today, if we start with ourselves. One person can still make a difference, at least in the circle of those that he loves. Plus, Bono says it's possible.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The "Dichotomy of Marriage" Blog
When I was in college, I took a marketing class where we watched successful ad campaigns from the last 2 decades. The clever one that always stuck in my mind was a Mercedes TV commercial that had a luxurious "De Beers" type of feel to it panning a slow-mo shot of two wedding rings coming together from opposite ends, against a backdrop of beige admist soothing classical music. When the rings finally engaged, the background turned black, the music turned into rock and the pair of weddings rings became a pair of handcuffs linked together by chain. No one remembers the pitch for the Mercedes car because we were all laughing so hard. And of course, we laughed because that was BEFORE we all got married! 
All "ball and chain" jokes aside, the truth is a somewhat sobering. It is the dualities of marriage that kills us all (and here, I dont mean in a funny way). There's him, there's her--his upbringing vs. hers, his education vs. hers, his political views vs. hers, his religion vs. hers, what he wants for Christmas (trust me, it's not another tie) vs. what she wants (it's the diamonds, stupid--not the vacuum!), what he likes to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon (watch football) vs. what she likes to do, (shop, duh--there's an all-day sale going on!), etc. There's before marriage (love, sex & freedom) and there's after marriage (no love, no sex, no freedom).
Therein lies the problem. We have warped our viewpoint such that the whole idea of marriage is a dichotomy. A dichotomy is a splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. Similarily, marriage is two individuals coming together, it's the sum of two parts. In my corporate communications training, I teach that the team concept is better than the sum of parts concept. The sum of parts result is 1+1+1=3 and the team result is 1+1+1=5. I am used to getting blank stares, so just bear with me a bit as I explain this further. In marriage, we have conned ourselves into believing that all of marriage is a series of dichotomies, when in fact, they are not always mutually exclusive.
In the honeymoon period of marriage, we feel it is our responsibility to give up who we are for the sake of "us" and of course, in the beginning, we don't mind doing so--after all, it's love, isnt it? "Love conquers all." Whenever we realize that it's been too long since we have been ourselves, the honeymoon period either comes to a screeching halt (and a divorce attorney is called) or it melts into a pattern of mundane life, whereby husband and wife has neatly segregated all of life into "what's mine, what's yours, and what's ours." At some point, a pool of resentment creeps up and this is when we start feeling like we are always sacraficing in marriage. For the Type-A'ers, a mental scoreboard is erected. He is giving us his Saturday afternoon to watch football to go shopping with her. SHE wins! She is giving up Thanksgiving with her family to spend it with his. HE wins! Before the halfway point to the 7-year itch, it is a miracle that no one has killed each other. Let's face it, there is a dichotomy here--because love and marriage ARE two different things. Love is a strong emotional driving force and marriage is a practical societal arrangement and the means by which two people show their committment to one another. Marriage is not the reason we stay together, love is. When we think the two are the same thing, love is usually the first to slip out the backdoor. If marriage were so clearly segregated into its parts (yours, mine, and ours), you are taking the love out of it (Tina Turner once asked a very good question, "What's love got to do with it?"; unfortunately we were all too distracted by her killer legs to give a good answer). As a result, from a practical standpoint, it may make it more easier to navigate and deal with but it is completely empty and devoid of the very thing that started it in the first place--Love. It is important to maintain both.
Love is always touted as the main ingredient in a marriage. I am not saying it is overrated, far from it. But I always believe that there must also be trust, respect, and compassion. Without these 3 musketeers, you cant count on a marriage to last very long. Trust, like faith, is not always something you can earn or do tangible things with--you either believe or you dont, you cant always have proof to be able to trust or believe. Respect is not putting your significant other up there on the pedastal where he/she is unattaible but not putting him/her down for stomping on; respect is an admiration for the partner who is your equal, even if they dont think, act, or approach things the way you would. Compassion is empathy that we are all humans, that we make mistakes, that we strive to become better people, that we all have the same desires to be loved, be happy and be at peace. To me, trust, respect, and compassion are the 3 musketeers + 1 (Love). Or didnt you know there was a 4th musketeer? Athos, Porthos, & Aramis make a worthy adversary, but with d'Artagnan (the original musketeer), they are altogether invincible (plus, d'Artagnan slept with the queen!) It is important to realize that whatever happens in life, we always have a choice to love, trust, to respect, and to be compassionate--not just to our significant others, but to all those in our lives that we have a relationship to.
Case in point. I had an epiphany during a conversation today that made me realize that the whole sacrafice thing is self-defeating and pointless. It creates unncessary drama and heartache. Here I was, thinking: "I dont have a choice. If I want to be in this marriage, it is what it I must do--I have to do play along, even though I dont feel like playing along. I cant have it both ways, so I have to PRETEND I like playing along and sacrafice for the greater good. I am sacraficing my freedom to do what I want, to choose what I want. And man, does it suck balls." I had felt this way because I am a person who likes having options, and I liked having one foot in and one foot out--however, I felt forced to choose one path OVER the other, thereby "giving up" the other path but never letting go of and always thinking about how I gave up the other path. It really is the sorry story of the miserly self-sacraficer. So the morale of the story goes I realized I thought I had lost my options because I felt forced to choose one option over the other--in reality, I never lost my right to choose, I didnt ever really choose and I didnt engage in my choice fully--I still had one foot in and one foot out--I was the one making myself feel like I had no choice because I was still trying live both options. I had forgotten the simple-stupidity-yet-brilliant-geniousness of my idealistic youth: "No regrets!" When one makes a choice, one should fully partake in that choice, without regrets. Thinking about the path not taken summons doubts, regrets, and possibly even resentment. The "coulda, shoulda, woulda" populates our minds to the point that we believe we have sacraficed the right to choose unwillingly, when in fact we never really chose and we never fully engaged in that choice.
[PAUSE]
So THAT is what peace of mind feels like...Me likey!
I would argue that marriage single-handedly wins as the greatest challenge in life, and in my book, it even wins over facing death (at least in death, there is an ending and you die already). In marriage, there is no winning or losing--that is one dichotomy that does not exist. In no other one individual (besides perhaps our poor children) do we heap and bank the great expectations for our lives, our future, and our happiness, while ignoring the fact that we dont really know who they are, what they are capable of, and how they will grow and change over time---and the real kicker--we dont always know who WE are, what WE are capable of, and how WE will grow and change over time. This is the dichotomy of who we are vs. who we want to be. This is the dichotomy of what we want vs. what we need. And THAT's what makes marriage so DAMN confusing--all the constant change of coming into our own and all the glorious shades of gray. But we'd be bored it if were that easy; we wouldnt feel like we earned our keep if we got the prize with so little effort. We are humans, after all. There will always be several dichotomies in marriage, but they are not all bad, and they are not all mutually exclusive. In marriage, as in life, we may be asked to make a choice. We must remember that we always have a choice but that when we make a choice, we must undertake the choice fully. Overcoming these dichotomies without internal conflict is one of the greatest personal rewards in life. That and this other really cool dichotomy we always knew at the back of our minds: Both love and marriage is about the journey, and not the destination.
The following is an article I came across that I thought was great in it of itself for its practical advice, but also telling--because it was written by one of the top divorce attorneys in our country of 50%+ divorce rates.
25 Secrets to a Great Marriage
1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very “hot” buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before responding to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of martial bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, “Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?”
2. Don’t give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.
3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to “throw up their arms” and decide that it’s useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.
4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Have you heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it’s the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat him or her accordingly.
5. Have separate interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some, too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you’re married, you don’t need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.
6. Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse’s successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.
7. Find things you enjoy doing together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don’t need to share all interests.
8. Don’t think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems – the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.
9. Give each other a break. Don’t be overcritical of your spouse. Don’t carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that’s not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It’s worth it.
10. Don’t sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don’t be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don’t like something, hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.
11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try to find out why, and you’ll find you’ll love it too. Give credence and respect to your spouse’s judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.
12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads to a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things done for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.
13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you’ve both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.
14. Be your spouse’s partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse’s separate interests.
15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If your spouse’s actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what was said or done.
16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to him or her sometimes, even if you don’t care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.
17. Don’t fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help, if needed, as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don’t let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.
18. Don’t complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.
19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don’t take the bait. It never works out. If you can’t resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you’ll probably find that you can’t end your marriage and things will have gotten better.
20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.
21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.
22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you’ll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at times. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.
23. Appreciate each other’s contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person’s contributions, whether they are financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse’s efforts at all times.
24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all of their personal issues. Because marriage does not end (except by death), a person can be secure in the knowledge that any mistakes, personality flaws, or misspoken words can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a “forever” commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.
25. Don’t think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about “love.” Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it’s worth it.
If you do all of these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have already been married for rough spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.
All "ball and chain" jokes aside, the truth is a somewhat sobering. It is the dualities of marriage that kills us all (and here, I dont mean in a funny way). There's him, there's her--his upbringing vs. hers, his education vs. hers, his political views vs. hers, his religion vs. hers, what he wants for Christmas (trust me, it's not another tie) vs. what she wants (it's the diamonds, stupid--not the vacuum!), what he likes to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon (watch football) vs. what she likes to do, (shop, duh--there's an all-day sale going on!), etc. There's before marriage (love, sex & freedom) and there's after marriage (no love, no sex, no freedom).
Therein lies the problem. We have warped our viewpoint such that the whole idea of marriage is a dichotomy. A dichotomy is a splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. Similarily, marriage is two individuals coming together, it's the sum of two parts. In my corporate communications training, I teach that the team concept is better than the sum of parts concept. The sum of parts result is 1+1+1=3 and the team result is 1+1+1=5. I am used to getting blank stares, so just bear with me a bit as I explain this further. In marriage, we have conned ourselves into believing that all of marriage is a series of dichotomies, when in fact, they are not always mutually exclusive.
In the honeymoon period of marriage, we feel it is our responsibility to give up who we are for the sake of "us" and of course, in the beginning, we don't mind doing so--after all, it's love, isnt it? "Love conquers all." Whenever we realize that it's been too long since we have been ourselves, the honeymoon period either comes to a screeching halt (and a divorce attorney is called) or it melts into a pattern of mundane life, whereby husband and wife has neatly segregated all of life into "what's mine, what's yours, and what's ours." At some point, a pool of resentment creeps up and this is when we start feeling like we are always sacraficing in marriage. For the Type-A'ers, a mental scoreboard is erected. He is giving us his Saturday afternoon to watch football to go shopping with her. SHE wins! She is giving up Thanksgiving with her family to spend it with his. HE wins! Before the halfway point to the 7-year itch, it is a miracle that no one has killed each other. Let's face it, there is a dichotomy here--because love and marriage ARE two different things. Love is a strong emotional driving force and marriage is a practical societal arrangement and the means by which two people show their committment to one another. Marriage is not the reason we stay together, love is. When we think the two are the same thing, love is usually the first to slip out the backdoor. If marriage were so clearly segregated into its parts (yours, mine, and ours), you are taking the love out of it (Tina Turner once asked a very good question, "What's love got to do with it?"; unfortunately we were all too distracted by her killer legs to give a good answer). As a result, from a practical standpoint, it may make it more easier to navigate and deal with but it is completely empty and devoid of the very thing that started it in the first place--Love. It is important to maintain both.
Love is always touted as the main ingredient in a marriage. I am not saying it is overrated, far from it. But I always believe that there must also be trust, respect, and compassion. Without these 3 musketeers, you cant count on a marriage to last very long. Trust, like faith, is not always something you can earn or do tangible things with--you either believe or you dont, you cant always have proof to be able to trust or believe. Respect is not putting your significant other up there on the pedastal where he/she is unattaible but not putting him/her down for stomping on; respect is an admiration for the partner who is your equal, even if they dont think, act, or approach things the way you would. Compassion is empathy that we are all humans, that we make mistakes, that we strive to become better people, that we all have the same desires to be loved, be happy and be at peace. To me, trust, respect, and compassion are the 3 musketeers + 1 (Love). Or didnt you know there was a 4th musketeer? Athos, Porthos, & Aramis make a worthy adversary, but with d'Artagnan (the original musketeer), they are altogether invincible (plus, d'Artagnan slept with the queen!) It is important to realize that whatever happens in life, we always have a choice to love, trust, to respect, and to be compassionate--not just to our significant others, but to all those in our lives that we have a relationship to.
Case in point. I had an epiphany during a conversation today that made me realize that the whole sacrafice thing is self-defeating and pointless. It creates unncessary drama and heartache. Here I was, thinking: "I dont have a choice. If I want to be in this marriage, it is what it I must do--I have to do play along, even though I dont feel like playing along. I cant have it both ways, so I have to PRETEND I like playing along and sacrafice for the greater good. I am sacraficing my freedom to do what I want, to choose what I want. And man, does it suck balls." I had felt this way because I am a person who likes having options, and I liked having one foot in and one foot out--however, I felt forced to choose one path OVER the other, thereby "giving up" the other path but never letting go of and always thinking about how I gave up the other path. It really is the sorry story of the miserly self-sacraficer. So the morale of the story goes I realized I thought I had lost my options because I felt forced to choose one option over the other--in reality, I never lost my right to choose, I didnt ever really choose and I didnt engage in my choice fully--I still had one foot in and one foot out--I was the one making myself feel like I had no choice because I was still trying live both options. I had forgotten the simple-stupidity-yet-brilliant-geniousness of my idealistic youth: "No regrets!" When one makes a choice, one should fully partake in that choice, without regrets. Thinking about the path not taken summons doubts, regrets, and possibly even resentment. The "coulda, shoulda, woulda" populates our minds to the point that we believe we have sacraficed the right to choose unwillingly, when in fact we never really chose and we never fully engaged in that choice.
[PAUSE]
So THAT is what peace of mind feels like...Me likey!
I would argue that marriage single-handedly wins as the greatest challenge in life, and in my book, it even wins over facing death (at least in death, there is an ending and you die already). In marriage, there is no winning or losing--that is one dichotomy that does not exist. In no other one individual (besides perhaps our poor children) do we heap and bank the great expectations for our lives, our future, and our happiness, while ignoring the fact that we dont really know who they are, what they are capable of, and how they will grow and change over time---and the real kicker--we dont always know who WE are, what WE are capable of, and how WE will grow and change over time. This is the dichotomy of who we are vs. who we want to be. This is the dichotomy of what we want vs. what we need. And THAT's what makes marriage so DAMN confusing--all the constant change of coming into our own and all the glorious shades of gray. But we'd be bored it if were that easy; we wouldnt feel like we earned our keep if we got the prize with so little effort. We are humans, after all. There will always be several dichotomies in marriage, but they are not all bad, and they are not all mutually exclusive. In marriage, as in life, we may be asked to make a choice. We must remember that we always have a choice but that when we make a choice, we must undertake the choice fully. Overcoming these dichotomies without internal conflict is one of the greatest personal rewards in life. That and this other really cool dichotomy we always knew at the back of our minds: Both love and marriage is about the journey, and not the destination.
The following is an article I came across that I thought was great in it of itself for its practical advice, but also telling--because it was written by one of the top divorce attorneys in our country of 50%+ divorce rates.
25 Secrets to a Great Marriage
1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very “hot” buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before responding to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of martial bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, “Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?”
2. Don’t give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.
3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to “throw up their arms” and decide that it’s useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.
4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Have you heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it’s the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat him or her accordingly.
5. Have separate interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some, too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you’re married, you don’t need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.
6. Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse’s successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.
7. Find things you enjoy doing together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don’t need to share all interests.
8. Don’t think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems – the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.
9. Give each other a break. Don’t be overcritical of your spouse. Don’t carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that’s not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It’s worth it.
10. Don’t sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don’t be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don’t like something, hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.
11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try to find out why, and you’ll find you’ll love it too. Give credence and respect to your spouse’s judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.
12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads to a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things done for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.
13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you’ve both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.
14. Be your spouse’s partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse’s separate interests.
15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If your spouse’s actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what was said or done.
16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to him or her sometimes, even if you don’t care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.
17. Don’t fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help, if needed, as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don’t let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.
18. Don’t complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.
19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don’t take the bait. It never works out. If you can’t resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you’ll probably find that you can’t end your marriage and things will have gotten better.
20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.
21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.
22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you’ll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at times. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.
23. Appreciate each other’s contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person’s contributions, whether they are financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse’s efforts at all times.
24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all of their personal issues. Because marriage does not end (except by death), a person can be secure in the knowledge that any mistakes, personality flaws, or misspoken words can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a “forever” commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.
25. Don’t think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about “love.” Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it’s worth it.
If you do all of these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have already been married for rough spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The "Karma, Faith & Fellowship" Blog
One wouldn't normally think of putting those 3 words in the same sentence. It's like that Mexican guy down the street from us who always has a truck by the side of the road and a cardboard sign advertising what he is selling that day, i.e. "Taquitos, Umbrellas, and Watermelon for Sale." Mark & I always get a kick out of what strange combination of things he sells.
Well, to be honest, I didnt think I was going to get to my faith blog for awhile, but recent events (the stars aligning, I guess) prompted the subject of spirituality to sit (and sizzle) on the brain. 1) My parents asked me to take refuge as a Buddhist again, having felt I had fallen far from "the path" in recent years. 2) I had the opportunity to be part of a unique experience and understand the power of prayer. 3) Mark & I went to church last Sunday, after not having gone in over a year.
I was raised Buddhist and even lived in a Buddhist monastic community and attended a private Buddhist school for 6 years. The experience has had the single most important impact on my life and who I am today. My good friends in college knew me to have a distaste for religious organiztion, and yet I so believed in the cause of finding faith for each individual that I helped found a Buddhist youth group (I later left because I didnt feel my faith and affirmation was strong enough to be a leader--I needed to be a participant). So people who knew me well and those who didnt were surprised when I married a Christian (Lutheran), got baptized, and started going to church and even more surprised to hear that I hadnt converted to Christianity and was STILL a Buddhist.
All labels aside, I am more interested in the concept of faith and fellowship when it comes to discussions of spirituality. Faith is something that I realized (towards the end of my college years) I always sought but seemed to allude me. I masked my envy for those who seemed so giving towards their faith with aloofness, harboring secret views of cynicism and a distaste for religious rituals and archaic practices. I think what makes faith so attractive is knowing that a person can be so sure about something even when all of life points to the contrary. All around us, the practicalities of life test our faith--some would describe that as a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, being lost and being found. The difference between knowing you're lost/not knowing what to do about it and knowing you are lost/but WILL be found is a great one. And yet, faith isnt something to seek or to find, but I believe--something that is realized individually. During the times that faith is tested, it is important to find fellowship to remind us of our faith.
These past 2 years were perhaps the most difficult that I have had to go through in my life thus far (great, if I think it's THIS bad early in life, how much worse can it get?!). I guess I always was a glass-half-empty type of person. In terms of SPIES (socially, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually)--these were definitely challenging times for me. When I reflect upon the actions my Type-A action-oriented personality inevitably forced, I feel I weathered this period of my life quite well. Where I had problems, I faced those problems head-on and sought the respective experts in each area of my life to get it "fixed." However, when I view it from a standpoint of faith and fellowship, I "managed" but I didnt really "let go" because I hadnt found the root cause of the problems to begin with. At that point in time, I had isolated myself from everything around me (fellowship) and from me (faith).
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was led in a 2-hour prayer session with some diehard Christians that I struggled with at first to acqueise to, but then told myself, "What do I have to lose?" I always mocked the words "empowering" or "powerful", but those are the words that have overshadowed my need for "control"--they arent the same thing. I was told I had the characteristics of "sow & reap." After the intensive prayer of repeatedly laying my baggage at the alter, letting it wash away, and clearing my mind to receive a message from God, I realized 3 things about me (it is not hard to do when you are open-minded to drawing lessons learned to your own life & beliefs).
First, my entire life's choices was based on a deeply ingrained philosophy that I HAVE TO suffer in order to get a reward in life--this came from my upbringing as well as my religious beliefs centered on karma. Now karma is popularized in our culture (bumper stickers with "Karma's a bitch" but I do love that show My Name is Earl), but the karma I am talking about is understanding that we are accountable for the outcomes in our lives, whether they were from a previous life or this life. I believe that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason. Christians view it as a test from God to mold you into the purpose he set you out to fulfill and Buddhists view it as you had it coming based on a choice you made before. Between those two viewpoints, I was the absolute anti-victim! And particularly hard on myself--whenever I would think something, I'd ask myself, "Now is that really true? Are you being honest with yourself?" I gave myself no excuses mentally. Alas, we are our own harshest critics, and I would slap myself silly anytime I found myself in the "mud of self-pity" as a victim of something that happened to me. Shit happens, so goes the bumper sticker. And the cause of that shit was me. At some point in my life though, it must have impacted my self-esteem as I took i one step further: I started thinking that however hard I worked, ship would always happen and I just would never see the reward. The mud of self-pity became a downward spiral vortex black hole of depression when I turned around and asked, "Why am I never getting a break here? Why me? I dont deserve this!" (now I know how frustrated the donkey chasing the carrot was). Clarity came when I realized that this was a CHOICE, not a sentence--I could give this up anytime I chose.
Second thing I realized after the 2-hour prayer experience, I was never able to "receive" because I was hell-bent on "giving" all the time. I gave advice, I gave guidance, I have support, I gave my opinion, I gave my time, my love, and my efforts. I didnt clear the landing space to be able to receive anything in return from those around me and from God, Buddhas and Bodhisattvas--advice, guidance, opinions, support, love, care, etc. This is my challenge--to realize that giving up "control" is faith. I dont need to seek it or find it, I just let go of the control and I will naturally have it.
The third thing I realized was that isolation is what spawns depression and self-pity, ultimately immobilizing/paralyzing us from action. The reason why Tom Hanks started talking to Wilson (his soccer ball friend) is that we as humans are not meant to be alone in our cause to seek a higher state of being, whether that for you means co-existing, being at peace, letting go of fears, enlightenment, being at one with God, etc. The reason why we have laws that need to be enforced is that despite our individual desires to become better people, we make mistakes in spite of ourselves. So too is the importance of fellowship, right alongside faith. We otherwise wouldnt be humans who needed faith and fellowship.
I was puzzled to say the least when I received my parents' urgent request to take refuge as a Buddhist. A born-again Buddhist? But then I realized that without practice, an understanding of faith, karma, and fellowship doesnt really mean anything.
Karma is that I dont relinquish my accountability in the choices I make but more importantly that I remember shit happens for a reason and I cant control it, I can only make the best of it--nothing personal. Faith is that even when I give up control over my life, I trust in the outcome of whatever happens. Fellowship is there as a support system to help us move forward when we have become immobilized and to remind us of our faith.
Karma, Faith & Fellowship is like Burritos, Binoculars, and Baseballs at a 5-hour Angels baseball game where you are seated far away from the field, and it helps to have binoculars to see the players and eat a burrito when you get hungry. When you put into context, it becomes clear how they are all essential and more importantly, how they are all inter-connected.
Well, to be honest, I didnt think I was going to get to my faith blog for awhile, but recent events (the stars aligning, I guess) prompted the subject of spirituality to sit (and sizzle) on the brain. 1) My parents asked me to take refuge as a Buddhist again, having felt I had fallen far from "the path" in recent years. 2) I had the opportunity to be part of a unique experience and understand the power of prayer. 3) Mark & I went to church last Sunday, after not having gone in over a year.
I was raised Buddhist and even lived in a Buddhist monastic community and attended a private Buddhist school for 6 years. The experience has had the single most important impact on my life and who I am today. My good friends in college knew me to have a distaste for religious organiztion, and yet I so believed in the cause of finding faith for each individual that I helped found a Buddhist youth group (I later left because I didnt feel my faith and affirmation was strong enough to be a leader--I needed to be a participant). So people who knew me well and those who didnt were surprised when I married a Christian (Lutheran), got baptized, and started going to church and even more surprised to hear that I hadnt converted to Christianity and was STILL a Buddhist.
All labels aside, I am more interested in the concept of faith and fellowship when it comes to discussions of spirituality. Faith is something that I realized (towards the end of my college years) I always sought but seemed to allude me. I masked my envy for those who seemed so giving towards their faith with aloofness, harboring secret views of cynicism and a distaste for religious rituals and archaic practices. I think what makes faith so attractive is knowing that a person can be so sure about something even when all of life points to the contrary. All around us, the practicalities of life test our faith--some would describe that as a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, being lost and being found. The difference between knowing you're lost/not knowing what to do about it and knowing you are lost/but WILL be found is a great one. And yet, faith isnt something to seek or to find, but I believe--something that is realized individually. During the times that faith is tested, it is important to find fellowship to remind us of our faith.
These past 2 years were perhaps the most difficult that I have had to go through in my life thus far (great, if I think it's THIS bad early in life, how much worse can it get?!). I guess I always was a glass-half-empty type of person. In terms of SPIES (socially, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually)--these were definitely challenging times for me. When I reflect upon the actions my Type-A action-oriented personality inevitably forced, I feel I weathered this period of my life quite well. Where I had problems, I faced those problems head-on and sought the respective experts in each area of my life to get it "fixed." However, when I view it from a standpoint of faith and fellowship, I "managed" but I didnt really "let go" because I hadnt found the root cause of the problems to begin with. At that point in time, I had isolated myself from everything around me (fellowship) and from me (faith).
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was led in a 2-hour prayer session with some diehard Christians that I struggled with at first to acqueise to, but then told myself, "What do I have to lose?" I always mocked the words "empowering" or "powerful", but those are the words that have overshadowed my need for "control"--they arent the same thing. I was told I had the characteristics of "sow & reap." After the intensive prayer of repeatedly laying my baggage at the alter, letting it wash away, and clearing my mind to receive a message from God, I realized 3 things about me (it is not hard to do when you are open-minded to drawing lessons learned to your own life & beliefs).
First, my entire life's choices was based on a deeply ingrained philosophy that I HAVE TO suffer in order to get a reward in life--this came from my upbringing as well as my religious beliefs centered on karma. Now karma is popularized in our culture (bumper stickers with "Karma's a bitch" but I do love that show My Name is Earl), but the karma I am talking about is understanding that we are accountable for the outcomes in our lives, whether they were from a previous life or this life. I believe that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason. Christians view it as a test from God to mold you into the purpose he set you out to fulfill and Buddhists view it as you had it coming based on a choice you made before. Between those two viewpoints, I was the absolute anti-victim! And particularly hard on myself--whenever I would think something, I'd ask myself, "Now is that really true? Are you being honest with yourself?" I gave myself no excuses mentally. Alas, we are our own harshest critics, and I would slap myself silly anytime I found myself in the "mud of self-pity" as a victim of something that happened to me. Shit happens, so goes the bumper sticker. And the cause of that shit was me. At some point in my life though, it must have impacted my self-esteem as I took i one step further: I started thinking that however hard I worked, ship would always happen and I just would never see the reward. The mud of self-pity became a downward spiral vortex black hole of depression when I turned around and asked, "Why am I never getting a break here? Why me? I dont deserve this!" (now I know how frustrated the donkey chasing the carrot was). Clarity came when I realized that this was a CHOICE, not a sentence--I could give this up anytime I chose.
Second thing I realized after the 2-hour prayer experience, I was never able to "receive" because I was hell-bent on "giving" all the time. I gave advice, I gave guidance, I have support, I gave my opinion, I gave my time, my love, and my efforts. I didnt clear the landing space to be able to receive anything in return from those around me and from God, Buddhas and Bodhisattvas--advice, guidance, opinions, support, love, care, etc. This is my challenge--to realize that giving up "control" is faith. I dont need to seek it or find it, I just let go of the control and I will naturally have it.
The third thing I realized was that isolation is what spawns depression and self-pity, ultimately immobilizing/paralyzing us from action. The reason why Tom Hanks started talking to Wilson (his soccer ball friend) is that we as humans are not meant to be alone in our cause to seek a higher state of being, whether that for you means co-existing, being at peace, letting go of fears, enlightenment, being at one with God, etc. The reason why we have laws that need to be enforced is that despite our individual desires to become better people, we make mistakes in spite of ourselves. So too is the importance of fellowship, right alongside faith. We otherwise wouldnt be humans who needed faith and fellowship.
I was puzzled to say the least when I received my parents' urgent request to take refuge as a Buddhist. A born-again Buddhist? But then I realized that without practice, an understanding of faith, karma, and fellowship doesnt really mean anything.
Karma is that I dont relinquish my accountability in the choices I make but more importantly that I remember shit happens for a reason and I cant control it, I can only make the best of it--nothing personal. Faith is that even when I give up control over my life, I trust in the outcome of whatever happens. Fellowship is there as a support system to help us move forward when we have become immobilized and to remind us of our faith.
Karma, Faith & Fellowship is like Burritos, Binoculars, and Baseballs at a 5-hour Angels baseball game where you are seated far away from the field, and it helps to have binoculars to see the players and eat a burrito when you get hungry. When you put into context, it becomes clear how they are all essential and more importantly, how they are all inter-connected.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The "Fence-Sitter & Bipartisan Politics" Blog
12 more days until the "unprecedented" Presidential election on November 4, 2008! Undecided voters, we must unite in solidarity! Come November 4th, we must cast off the label of fence-sitter and take a stand!
Yeah, OK, whatever. My husband thinks it's unpatriotic of me to have not voted in the last 2 elections. But being a principled Fence-Sitter, I am taking a stand: I just dont believe in voting for the lesser of two evils. I am just astounded by the fact that with all of the intelligent and competent leaders our great country has, we have produced in these last 3 elections...(drum roll, please): W. Bush vs Gore, W. Bush vs. Kerry, McCain vs. Obama. The first time I heard W. Bush speak, two things crossed my mind, "This guy can't give an intelligent speech to save his life. The only way he has gotten this far is the powerful connections in his family and even THAT cant get win him the Presidency." Boy, I was SOOO wrong. Gore is credited for getting this generation to go green this decade, but who recalls what he achieved as VP under Clinton? Kerry's story was so full of holes. Obama is so green that despite his intelligence and ideals, he wont be able to override an established political atmosphere of partisan conflict. Nothing against him, but the country isnt ready for someone like Obama. McCain...where do I start? Full of smart-ass quips, what beyond a rep of a Maverick does this guy offer to us?
During a recent discussion with my husband, who is a proud card-carrying member of the Republican party, we discussed this issue at length. Why would anyone want to be President? Well, it couldn't possibly be the pay. Our president earns an average annual salary of $400,000, while the average CEO earns $2.2 million a year (let the record state that Oracle's CEO made $192M last year and Starbucks' CEO made 98M). Next, let's look at fame. Exposure goes both ways for politicians---good or bad, as tabloid vultures have demonstrated for Hollywood's famed celebrities. Just as easily a good story spun, a bad one can drown a person in scandal and shame. It becomes a matter of spinning the media just so, even as everyone recognizes that we all make mistakes. Lastly, "making a difference in the history of the U.S." can be a worthy pursuit--but difficult, oh so difficult to achieve. Already, the next President coming on board has a daunting To Do List, from stabilizing the economy, waging 2 wars, solving the healthcare crisis, and on and on. OK...so I still cant figure out why ANYONE in their right minds would want to be President, but with respect to all the candidates who have run--I will say this: It is somewhat admirable, given the sh*t you have to go through to become a leader of this country. People have very limiting views of who you are and the expectations of what have to achieve are near Cloud 5 level (in other words, next to impossible). Add to that, a President really cannot exercise powers without the stamp of approval from Congress. And let's face it--a President typically spends the 1st 2 years of his term transitioning over from the last administration and the remaining 2 years preparing for re-election. You're really in a hole so deep when you start that it is amazing that one achieves anything at all!
The problem, my folks, is that this country thinks that partisan politics works in a global economy and within a modern superpower. Left and right, Conservatives and Liberals, blue and red, donkeys and elephants, what do these classifications do besides divide a country? It would seem to me that we are a country that forces divisions and classifications, even as we pat ourselves on the back to congratulate our contributions to democracy. Just take a look at our American political system: It is based on two fundamental, yet conflicting beliefs: Freedom and Equality. If you are free to do whatever you want, you ARE going to step on someone’s toes. And if the law says you CAN’T step on someone’s toes, then doesn’t that infringe on your right to “freedom of”? Similarly, when you look at Democrats vs. Republicans, we somehow forgot that each of us being entitled to our own moral beliefs somehow means we cant play together. Whether or not we believe pro-life or pro-choice doesn’t mean we don’t all value life and choice. We are certainly not saying that pro-choice Democrats cannot be Catholic! I cannot help but shake my head when discussions of Big Government vs. Big Business come into play. Folks, it isn’t an either-or, as this needing both. Free trade is essential to the foundations of the American Dream…but we need to regulate to prevent greed and moral break-down. At the end of the day, are we so stupid that uniting as a country only makes sense in the aftermath of a disaster on the scale of 9/11? We are a young country--and with youth, comes a naive idealism that is all-consuming--that is until, something REALY BAD happens to us. What unites us, not divides us, makes us stronger.
Ok, at the end of the day, it is the duty of every citizen in our country, including the fence-sitter, to take a stand and cast their vote. So this fence-sitter will be voting come this election. Even though I will be out of town on business, I will go to early voting this weekend to cast my ballot. I just printed out my voter registration guide and am reading through the propositions (Only in CA do the rights of chickens make it to #2 on the propositions list). Yes, this fence-sitter is going to take a stand and vote for SOMEONE… even if it means doing a coin-toss.
Yeah, OK, whatever. My husband thinks it's unpatriotic of me to have not voted in the last 2 elections. But being a principled Fence-Sitter, I am taking a stand: I just dont believe in voting for the lesser of two evils. I am just astounded by the fact that with all of the intelligent and competent leaders our great country has, we have produced in these last 3 elections...(drum roll, please): W. Bush vs Gore, W. Bush vs. Kerry, McCain vs. Obama. The first time I heard W. Bush speak, two things crossed my mind, "This guy can't give an intelligent speech to save his life. The only way he has gotten this far is the powerful connections in his family and even THAT cant get win him the Presidency." Boy, I was SOOO wrong. Gore is credited for getting this generation to go green this decade, but who recalls what he achieved as VP under Clinton? Kerry's story was so full of holes. Obama is so green that despite his intelligence and ideals, he wont be able to override an established political atmosphere of partisan conflict. Nothing against him, but the country isnt ready for someone like Obama. McCain...where do I start? Full of smart-ass quips, what beyond a rep of a Maverick does this guy offer to us?
During a recent discussion with my husband, who is a proud card-carrying member of the Republican party, we discussed this issue at length. Why would anyone want to be President? Well, it couldn't possibly be the pay. Our president earns an average annual salary of $400,000, while the average CEO earns $2.2 million a year (let the record state that Oracle's CEO made $192M last year and Starbucks' CEO made 98M). Next, let's look at fame. Exposure goes both ways for politicians---good or bad, as tabloid vultures have demonstrated for Hollywood's famed celebrities. Just as easily a good story spun, a bad one can drown a person in scandal and shame. It becomes a matter of spinning the media just so, even as everyone recognizes that we all make mistakes. Lastly, "making a difference in the history of the U.S." can be a worthy pursuit--but difficult, oh so difficult to achieve. Already, the next President coming on board has a daunting To Do List, from stabilizing the economy, waging 2 wars, solving the healthcare crisis, and on and on. OK...so I still cant figure out why ANYONE in their right minds would want to be President, but with respect to all the candidates who have run--I will say this: It is somewhat admirable, given the sh*t you have to go through to become a leader of this country. People have very limiting views of who you are and the expectations of what have to achieve are near Cloud 5 level (in other words, next to impossible). Add to that, a President really cannot exercise powers without the stamp of approval from Congress. And let's face it--a President typically spends the 1st 2 years of his term transitioning over from the last administration and the remaining 2 years preparing for re-election. You're really in a hole so deep when you start that it is amazing that one achieves anything at all!
The problem, my folks, is that this country thinks that partisan politics works in a global economy and within a modern superpower. Left and right, Conservatives and Liberals, blue and red, donkeys and elephants, what do these classifications do besides divide a country? It would seem to me that we are a country that forces divisions and classifications, even as we pat ourselves on the back to congratulate our contributions to democracy. Just take a look at our American political system: It is based on two fundamental, yet conflicting beliefs: Freedom and Equality. If you are free to do whatever you want, you ARE going to step on someone’s toes. And if the law says you CAN’T step on someone’s toes, then doesn’t that infringe on your right to “freedom of”? Similarly, when you look at Democrats vs. Republicans, we somehow forgot that each of us being entitled to our own moral beliefs somehow means we cant play together. Whether or not we believe pro-life or pro-choice doesn’t mean we don’t all value life and choice. We are certainly not saying that pro-choice Democrats cannot be Catholic! I cannot help but shake my head when discussions of Big Government vs. Big Business come into play. Folks, it isn’t an either-or, as this needing both. Free trade is essential to the foundations of the American Dream…but we need to regulate to prevent greed and moral break-down. At the end of the day, are we so stupid that uniting as a country only makes sense in the aftermath of a disaster on the scale of 9/11? We are a young country--and with youth, comes a naive idealism that is all-consuming--that is until, something REALY BAD happens to us. What unites us, not divides us, makes us stronger.
Ok, at the end of the day, it is the duty of every citizen in our country, including the fence-sitter, to take a stand and cast their vote. So this fence-sitter will be voting come this election. Even though I will be out of town on business, I will go to early voting this weekend to cast my ballot. I just printed out my voter registration guide and am reading through the propositions (Only in CA do the rights of chickens make it to #2 on the propositions list). Yes, this fence-sitter is going to take a stand and vote for SOMEONE… even if it means doing a coin-toss.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The "Passionless Lemming" Blog
I am probably going to get committed to the looney-bin after this piece, but couldn't resist spouting on my favorite subject: Lemminghood. This was written last year, somewhere mid-flight over Canada homeward-bound.
7/27/2006 (Thursday)
I am inspired to write because I was tickled by an amusing article on a man who did 10 days of Vissapana meditation in Texas (any man who can make a joke about Dubya is OK in my book), and because I was thinking about musing some thoughts on the subject of “passion”, and because I realized I hadn’t written in a long time (doing so always makes me feel good), and because quite frankly, I am just bored out of my mind on this 5-hr flight and have yet to find the land of nod in Economy Class.
Ok, so PASSION. My new job (same company, new job) in business development (read: mergers & acquisitions of companies that can’t make it on their own but strive to justify their existence & secure their future with a high price tag) has exposed me to the outside world again—meeting people who come from totally different perspectives on life (Dubya-lovers, chain smokers, and French-Canadians who talk too fast, for example). It has exposed to me the rawness of human nature that reveals itself in M&A discussions between the acquirer and the target. What is the price of a company? What is a history of x years and x number of people’s livelihoods worth? What would a corporate culture sell for these days on ebay? I’ve never liked the politics, the song & dance of negotiations involving large sums of money, but being in this business certainly exposes you to the stories of survival and success and desperate justification of one’s existence. Every story starts out the same way. “It wasn’t always this way” (with a gleam in the eye and a beaming smile)—the large manufacturing plant, the impressive machines, the dedicated management team…it started with a lone man with a cause, a machine, and a drive to do more than just survive, to be the best and come out on top, even if it meant sacrificing on the personal side—the family and the easy lifestyle and re-investing your savings back into the business, doggonit. It’s heartening, it’s heroic, it’s emotional, it’s pride and guts and sweat and tears. The way you hear people talk makes you wonder with amazement how far passion has taken so many companies to the top. I have come to believe that success in life rides on that key ingredient: passion (it helps to have brains as well).
It makes me wonder how it is one can succeed in life if he is either blind or devoid of passion? Forget being the leader of a company driving the business with single-minded passion. Let’s talk about the lemmings, the minions, who make the 9-to-5 every day in a cubicle that starts with coffee and ends with rushing out the door before anyone catches you leaving 10 minutes early. What is their passion? What motivates them to get up every morning and repeat the same routine day in and day out?
Life is passing by in the blink of an eye. If we live the life of a passion-less lemming, we have not really lived at all. The caffeine from the coffee has awakened only the senses required to carry out lemming-functions, the consciousness from within has not awakened the passion to make life meaningful. And what is meaningful? It is what each individual finds awakens and inspires him—without coffee (by the way, boycott Starbucks). Dammit—is this too much to ask? Actually, I should rephrase. How can we go through life without seeking our passion, without being conscious of what it is that makes us tick and drives us? How can we resign ourselves to a lemming life if we took an aerial view and realized that we were ants, brainless ants who willingly went through the motions without emotions of life and focused on all the wrong things?
Now it gets tough. Let's turn the spotlight on me. What is MY passion? Do I know? Am I living proof of my passion? A few years ago, alone on the sandy beaches of Oahu on the most important day of my life, I quickly jotted down a list of the top 5 things that were most important to me. Ever-critical of myself, I realized that I spent 110% of my physical time, mental energies, and emotions on the 1st item: work. Which logically led to no time on the others. And love didn’t even make the top 5. Fast-forward 3 years—happily married (whatever that means to whoever) but conflicted about personal growth and the toll of a demanding career. So what am I spending my time on these days? What is my passion? Is it a thing? A person? A what? I get seized with fear (the type where the teacher suddenly calls on you and you have no idea what the question is and all eyes are on you for the answer) because I don’t know what my passion is. And I am a hypocrite because if I don’t know what my passion is, how could I be living proof of it, and therefore, doesn’t that make me a lemming?
Lemmings of America, I confess: I am a lemming like one of you! A lemming who doesn’t want to be a lemming but doesn’t know how to be non-lemming, speak non-lemming and think non-lemming. I am the lemming that wears the T-shirt emblazoned with, “I am NOT a lemming” out of sheer desperation and then covers my eyes with sunglasses so that no one can see the wild deer-in-headlights look that is in my eyes. Suddenly, I feel like that bum on the streets of [enter any major metropolitan city] wearing the cardboard sign that says, “The End is Near!”
No, we must begin the cure, the awakening. So…What is my passion? It goes back to that frightful question and I am alone in the dark with that one. [pause while I scratch my nose and do anything to distract myself from facing this question…]
AHEM. WHAT is my passion? My first instinct is to say family, quite honestly. My family has been redefined since I’ve gotten married…just my husband and I. I feel selfish for making this such a small circle, for feeling that it should be that way for maybe the rest of our lives, sans children (excepting Alexis, Ryan & Hobbes of course). Or maybe rather than selfishness, it is a fear of becoming a lemming mama, further reinforcing my lemmingness and distracting me from the rude awakening that is my passion and inspirations. Life is not about getting a good job, marrying a good husband, having perfect children, having a good materialistic life (house, car, flat-screen TV, and IPOD) and obsessing over our weight. Is it? God forbid! Maybe I think too much. I mean, I get the feeling that my “passion” and intense focus on our tight-knit family is suffocating my husband and drowning him in constructive criticisms and honey-do’s, while at the same time giving me the sense of displacement and disappointment that I am never going to understand it all or be understood. Is the road to hell really paved with good intentions? (Or lemming roadkill whose last dying words were, “I tried my best”?)
WHAT is my passion? I have said in the past it is DVGS/the schools. I have said in the past it is my work. But my heart is not in either today.
I know that I cannot wait for it to dawn on me, for it to hit me like lightening, or worse--for tragedy to strike in order for me to realize that I am wasting my life on passionless pursuits. My passion is hidden behind my fears, those dark, moldy, spidery-like things that blind me and make me afraid to venture further. If only I could get past my fears, like a cloud over my lemming eyes. If only I could take off my rose-colored lemming glasses, which has gotten me so accustomed to seeing things one way that I am afraid of what I might see when I take them off.
What is my passion is a question that can be answered after the question of who am I. I think I’ll tackle that one tomorrow.
In the meantime, I will invest in a new lemming T-shirt, with the words, “Status quo is the killer of all awakened ones and the lullabies of all lemmings. God Save Your Soul!” and on the back it would say, “Down with Starbucks!”
7/27/2006 (Thursday)
I am inspired to write because I was tickled by an amusing article on a man who did 10 days of Vissapana meditation in Texas (any man who can make a joke about Dubya is OK in my book), and because I was thinking about musing some thoughts on the subject of “passion”, and because I realized I hadn’t written in a long time (doing so always makes me feel good), and because quite frankly, I am just bored out of my mind on this 5-hr flight and have yet to find the land of nod in Economy Class.
Ok, so PASSION. My new job (same company, new job) in business development (read: mergers & acquisitions of companies that can’t make it on their own but strive to justify their existence & secure their future with a high price tag) has exposed me to the outside world again—meeting people who come from totally different perspectives on life (Dubya-lovers, chain smokers, and French-Canadians who talk too fast, for example). It has exposed to me the rawness of human nature that reveals itself in M&A discussions between the acquirer and the target. What is the price of a company? What is a history of x years and x number of people’s livelihoods worth? What would a corporate culture sell for these days on ebay? I’ve never liked the politics, the song & dance of negotiations involving large sums of money, but being in this business certainly exposes you to the stories of survival and success and desperate justification of one’s existence. Every story starts out the same way. “It wasn’t always this way” (with a gleam in the eye and a beaming smile)—the large manufacturing plant, the impressive machines, the dedicated management team…it started with a lone man with a cause, a machine, and a drive to do more than just survive, to be the best and come out on top, even if it meant sacrificing on the personal side—the family and the easy lifestyle and re-investing your savings back into the business, doggonit. It’s heartening, it’s heroic, it’s emotional, it’s pride and guts and sweat and tears. The way you hear people talk makes you wonder with amazement how far passion has taken so many companies to the top. I have come to believe that success in life rides on that key ingredient: passion (it helps to have brains as well).
It makes me wonder how it is one can succeed in life if he is either blind or devoid of passion? Forget being the leader of a company driving the business with single-minded passion. Let’s talk about the lemmings, the minions, who make the 9-to-5 every day in a cubicle that starts with coffee and ends with rushing out the door before anyone catches you leaving 10 minutes early. What is their passion? What motivates them to get up every morning and repeat the same routine day in and day out?
Life is passing by in the blink of an eye. If we live the life of a passion-less lemming, we have not really lived at all. The caffeine from the coffee has awakened only the senses required to carry out lemming-functions, the consciousness from within has not awakened the passion to make life meaningful. And what is meaningful? It is what each individual finds awakens and inspires him—without coffee (by the way, boycott Starbucks). Dammit—is this too much to ask? Actually, I should rephrase. How can we go through life without seeking our passion, without being conscious of what it is that makes us tick and drives us? How can we resign ourselves to a lemming life if we took an aerial view and realized that we were ants, brainless ants who willingly went through the motions without emotions of life and focused on all the wrong things?
Now it gets tough. Let's turn the spotlight on me. What is MY passion? Do I know? Am I living proof of my passion? A few years ago, alone on the sandy beaches of Oahu on the most important day of my life, I quickly jotted down a list of the top 5 things that were most important to me. Ever-critical of myself, I realized that I spent 110% of my physical time, mental energies, and emotions on the 1st item: work. Which logically led to no time on the others. And love didn’t even make the top 5. Fast-forward 3 years—happily married (whatever that means to whoever) but conflicted about personal growth and the toll of a demanding career. So what am I spending my time on these days? What is my passion? Is it a thing? A person? A what? I get seized with fear (the type where the teacher suddenly calls on you and you have no idea what the question is and all eyes are on you for the answer) because I don’t know what my passion is. And I am a hypocrite because if I don’t know what my passion is, how could I be living proof of it, and therefore, doesn’t that make me a lemming?
Lemmings of America, I confess: I am a lemming like one of you! A lemming who doesn’t want to be a lemming but doesn’t know how to be non-lemming, speak non-lemming and think non-lemming. I am the lemming that wears the T-shirt emblazoned with, “I am NOT a lemming” out of sheer desperation and then covers my eyes with sunglasses so that no one can see the wild deer-in-headlights look that is in my eyes. Suddenly, I feel like that bum on the streets of [enter any major metropolitan city] wearing the cardboard sign that says, “The End is Near!”
No, we must begin the cure, the awakening. So…What is my passion? It goes back to that frightful question and I am alone in the dark with that one. [pause while I scratch my nose and do anything to distract myself from facing this question…]
AHEM. WHAT is my passion? My first instinct is to say family, quite honestly. My family has been redefined since I’ve gotten married…just my husband and I. I feel selfish for making this such a small circle, for feeling that it should be that way for maybe the rest of our lives, sans children (excepting Alexis, Ryan & Hobbes of course). Or maybe rather than selfishness, it is a fear of becoming a lemming mama, further reinforcing my lemmingness and distracting me from the rude awakening that is my passion and inspirations. Life is not about getting a good job, marrying a good husband, having perfect children, having a good materialistic life (house, car, flat-screen TV, and IPOD) and obsessing over our weight. Is it? God forbid! Maybe I think too much. I mean, I get the feeling that my “passion” and intense focus on our tight-knit family is suffocating my husband and drowning him in constructive criticisms and honey-do’s, while at the same time giving me the sense of displacement and disappointment that I am never going to understand it all or be understood. Is the road to hell really paved with good intentions? (Or lemming roadkill whose last dying words were, “I tried my best”?)
WHAT is my passion? I have said in the past it is DVGS/the schools. I have said in the past it is my work. But my heart is not in either today.
I know that I cannot wait for it to dawn on me, for it to hit me like lightening, or worse--for tragedy to strike in order for me to realize that I am wasting my life on passionless pursuits. My passion is hidden behind my fears, those dark, moldy, spidery-like things that blind me and make me afraid to venture further. If only I could get past my fears, like a cloud over my lemming eyes. If only I could take off my rose-colored lemming glasses, which has gotten me so accustomed to seeing things one way that I am afraid of what I might see when I take them off.
What is my passion is a question that can be answered after the question of who am I. I think I’ll tackle that one tomorrow.
In the meantime, I will invest in a new lemming T-shirt, with the words, “Status quo is the killer of all awakened ones and the lullabies of all lemmings. God Save Your Soul!” and on the back it would say, “Down with Starbucks!”
The "I Love the 90's" Blog
To populate my blog, I am backfilling with some journal entries I tapped out in Microsoft Word over the last few years.
4/20/2006 10:30 PM
What is about going back down pop culture memory lane that makes our eyes light up, nod our heads, and laugh? I just saw an episode of “I Love the 90’s” and they showed clips of “Sex & the City”, Monica Lewinski, the Backstreet Boys, Swing (Brian Setzer Orchestra & Big Dad Voodoo Daddy), Teletubbies, Martha Stewart, Soccer Moms, Mark McGwire, Jerry Springer (“trailer trash circus”), and Natalie Umbruglia (what was she so torn about anyway?). I didn't even think that the 90's constituted as historical enough to be on a show called "I Love the 90's." It’s amazing how easily these things are forgotten, but how easily they come to mind. In this world of chaos and confusion, the familiarity of something gone by is almost warm and fuzzy.
Hearing all the great songs played on the show (emphasis on “great”) made me realize that we all get stuck in a decade of music and stop “moving on” with the times…and that I’ve definitely gotten stuck in the decade of the 90’s! I can’t think of the last time I tuned into a Top 40s radio station, because I didn’t recognize any of the songs and frankly, didn’t enjoy what I was hearing…and to think, I used to make fun of Brian for being such a 80s flashback with his diehard passion for the Petshop Boys and his totally 80s haircut.
What is it about change that scares us into hanging on for dear life to the glory days of the past (even if means we completely rehaul that glory of the past)? Selective memory at work.
4/20/2006 10:30 PM
What is about going back down pop culture memory lane that makes our eyes light up, nod our heads, and laugh? I just saw an episode of “I Love the 90’s” and they showed clips of “Sex & the City”, Monica Lewinski, the Backstreet Boys, Swing (Brian Setzer Orchestra & Big Dad Voodoo Daddy), Teletubbies, Martha Stewart, Soccer Moms, Mark McGwire, Jerry Springer (“trailer trash circus”), and Natalie Umbruglia (what was she so torn about anyway?). I didn't even think that the 90's constituted as historical enough to be on a show called "I Love the 90's." It’s amazing how easily these things are forgotten, but how easily they come to mind. In this world of chaos and confusion, the familiarity of something gone by is almost warm and fuzzy.
Hearing all the great songs played on the show (emphasis on “great”) made me realize that we all get stuck in a decade of music and stop “moving on” with the times…and that I’ve definitely gotten stuck in the decade of the 90’s! I can’t think of the last time I tuned into a Top 40s radio station, because I didn’t recognize any of the songs and frankly, didn’t enjoy what I was hearing…and to think, I used to make fun of Brian for being such a 80s flashback with his diehard passion for the Petshop Boys and his totally 80s haircut.
What is it about change that scares us into hanging on for dear life to the glory days of the past (even if means we completely rehaul that glory of the past)? Selective memory at work.
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