The "Truth Be Told" Blog

I do not know WHAT it is about the holidays...but it always makes me reflect a little more deeply than I usually would (perhaps it is because one is SOOO busy rushing around every other time of the year. Oh wait, that's not true, we do that at Christmas too). I finally got done with all the Christmas cards (well, almost) and being me, I refused to make it impersonal and hokey. I handwrote 3 things I appreciated about each person as appropriate and our Christmas letter shared the good news AND THE BAD...the stuff that made me feel like a failure, but felt it was important to be share. I felt it would have been lying to leave out the bad things that had happened, the difficult things we were going through. I really never was a peaches & cream type of gal. But seriously...What makes it so hard for us to be honest about ourselves and our lives to others--most importantly, to those we love most and to our own selves? On any given day, you ask someone how they are, and they say, as if on auto-pilot, "I'm fine." I have to ask my husband 3x before he'll actually admit that he's NOT fine. But you know what they say "fine" really stands for. FINE = Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional.

Truth be told, I actually AM pretty angry about being laid off, despite knowing it was coming and wanting an excuse to leave so I could stop the crazy traveling. Truth be told, I do feel liberated at the same time not to be a workaholic--to be able to sleep odd hours, sit on the couch with my laptop (in sweats or PJ's, no less) and eat comfort food. Truth be told, I hate doing the dishes, but I love cooking--I love planning for a meal. Truth be told, is it SO bad to want the home life over the high-powered career in this modern day & age? Truth be told, I am actually a PRETTY messy and disorganized person, despite my obsession with making lists and being Type-A superplanner. Truth be told, I cry at movies all the time (even the bad ones, even the Lifetime & Hallmark channel ones that I dont confess to watching!) Truth be told, I am actually a jealous and competitive person. Selfish, too! (shocking...) Truth be told, I am feeling a little lost and unsure of myself, even though to the world I want to project myself as the strong one who "rallies the troops" and gets people where they're supposed to be going.

Ok. I think that was enough confession-ing for one blog. The point is, some things (big or small) are kept secret, hidden, stuffed deep down inside...there is so much about ourselves that we feel inclined to keep at bay. Why? Does it start with the childhood admonishments from the elders, "Children should be seen and not heard"? Does it start with trying to please our parents, then our peers, then our significant others...and before we know it, we have become what "they" want us to become and not who we truly are? Does it start with betrayals and abandonment issues from a young age, from family--those who are supposed to love us most?

Recently, in some of the more deeper discussions I've had the benefit of enjoying individually with my 2 brothers, they both said things that got me thinking. One of my brothers told me that growing up, he was always jealous of me and felt that he lived in my shadow--he came to resent me as a result. I could see how hard this was for him to admit aloud to me. And yet, I was blindsided--I had no idea. He told me how he managed to keep this from me, while quietly resenting me all these years. Suddenly, all those arguments made sense now. All I felt at the end of the day was how sorry that such a misconception cost us years of a closer relationship and that I didnt see it sooner to do something about it. My other brother told me that he never trusts family and when questioned why, he answered without a beat, "Because they always backstab you." This, too, shocked me. Family was supposed to be there, through thick and thin. I had to have concrete examples. After hearing him through, I could see why it was justified.

It got me thinking--at such a young age, when our trust was betrayed, we felt, perhaps no one was on our side, that we are on our own and we must build a shell or wall around us to protect ourselves. Thus came the almost innate daily decision-making of who was "in" (on our side) and who was "out" (not on our side). And it is safe to say: pretty much anyone who judged us in a negative way, anyone who disagreed with us, who we perceived didn't like us, who we felt inferior to, who we felt hurt by...guess where they ended up? They were exiled to the other side of the wall. Ironically enough, we created this wall that shielded the truth about ourselves to others and ended up wondering why we are lonely and unhappy.

A few weeks ago, while flipping through an airline magazine, I read with increasing intrigue about the new discovery that Roald Dahl, my favorite childhood author (Matilda, the Witches & the BFG), was actually a WWII spy. It just seemed so extreme, professions on opposite, polar ends. I wondered, how could he do it? How could he deal with two sides of himself, one so public vs. one so private? I couldnt help but ponder, in the end, what did he feel truly defined his life--his brilliance at childrens literature or his brilliance at intelligence gathering? I guess there should be no reason why they have to be mutually exclusive, but that's the problem with social labels, I guess. It just isnt politically correct or proper to be a children's author and a dangerous spy.

Ahhh...judgement labels. My biggest pet peeve in college was being boxed into a category where I had to fit the part. What is the point of all the charades to put up a front? We pretend to be who we're not so that others will perceive us in the light that we want them to perceive us, even if it does not reflect who we really are or makes us happy. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY office politics." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY family drama at the holidays." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually admitted, "I lied during our wedding vows. I actually DONT accept you for who you are. I expect you to change." It may be just my personal opinion, but I think the world would be a lot simplier place and we would have much simpler lives if we just told the truth and more importantly, accepted the truth without taking it personally.

The madness can stop today, if we start with ourselves. One person can still make a difference, at least in the circle of those that he loves. Plus, Bono says it's possible.