I do not know WHAT it is about the holidays...but it always makes me reflect a little more deeply than I usually would (perhaps it is because one is SOOO busy rushing around every other time of the year. Oh wait, that's not true, we do that at Christmas too). I finally got done with all the Christmas cards (well, almost) and being me, I refused to make it impersonal and hokey. I handwrote 3 things I appreciated about each person as appropriate and our Christmas letter shared the good news AND THE BAD...the stuff that made me feel like a failure, but felt it was important to be share. I felt it would have been lying to leave out the bad things that had happened, the difficult things we were going through. I really never was a peaches & cream type of gal. But seriously...What makes it so hard for us to be honest about ourselves and our lives to others--most importantly, to those we love most and to our own selves? On any given day, you ask someone how they are, and they say, as if on auto-pilot, "I'm fine." I have to ask my husband 3x before he'll actually admit that he's NOT fine. But you know what they say "fine" really stands for. FINE = Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional.
Truth be told, I actually AM pretty angry about being laid off, despite knowing it was coming and wanting an excuse to leave so I could stop the crazy traveling. Truth be told, I do feel liberated at the same time not to be a workaholic--to be able to sleep odd hours, sit on the couch with my laptop (in sweats or PJ's, no less) and eat comfort food. Truth be told, I hate doing the dishes, but I love cooking--I love planning for a meal. Truth be told, is it SO bad to want the home life over the high-powered career in this modern day & age? Truth be told, I am actually a PRETTY messy and disorganized person, despite my obsession with making lists and being Type-A superplanner. Truth be told, I cry at movies all the time (even the bad ones, even the Lifetime & Hallmark channel ones that I dont confess to watching!) Truth be told, I am actually a jealous and competitive person. Selfish, too! (shocking...) Truth be told, I am feeling a little lost and unsure of myself, even though to the world I want to project myself as the strong one who "rallies the troops" and gets people where they're supposed to be going.
Ok. I think that was enough confession-ing for one blog. The point is, some things (big or small) are kept secret, hidden, stuffed deep down inside...there is so much about ourselves that we feel inclined to keep at bay. Why? Does it start with the childhood admonishments from the elders, "Children should be seen and not heard"? Does it start with trying to please our parents, then our peers, then our significant others...and before we know it, we have become what "they" want us to become and not who we truly are? Does it start with betrayals and abandonment issues from a young age, from family--those who are supposed to love us most?
Recently, in some of the more deeper discussions I've had the benefit of enjoying individually with my 2 brothers, they both said things that got me thinking. One of my brothers told me that growing up, he was always jealous of me and felt that he lived in my shadow--he came to resent me as a result. I could see how hard this was for him to admit aloud to me. And yet, I was blindsided--I had no idea. He told me how he managed to keep this from me, while quietly resenting me all these years. Suddenly, all those arguments made sense now. All I felt at the end of the day was how sorry that such a misconception cost us years of a closer relationship and that I didnt see it sooner to do something about it. My other brother told me that he never trusts family and when questioned why, he answered without a beat, "Because they always backstab you." This, too, shocked me. Family was supposed to be there, through thick and thin. I had to have concrete examples. After hearing him through, I could see why it was justified.
It got me thinking--at such a young age, when our trust was betrayed, we felt, perhaps no one was on our side, that we are on our own and we must build a shell or wall around us to protect ourselves. Thus came the almost innate daily decision-making of who was "in" (on our side) and who was "out" (not on our side). And it is safe to say: pretty much anyone who judged us in a negative way, anyone who disagreed with us, who we perceived didn't like us, who we felt inferior to, who we felt hurt by...guess where they ended up? They were exiled to the other side of the wall. Ironically enough, we created this wall that shielded the truth about ourselves to others and ended up wondering why we are lonely and unhappy.
A few weeks ago, while flipping through an airline magazine, I read with increasing intrigue about the new discovery that Roald Dahl, my favorite childhood author (Matilda, the Witches & the BFG), was actually a WWII spy. It just seemed so extreme, professions on opposite, polar ends. I wondered, how could he do it? How could he deal with two sides of himself, one so public vs. one so private? I couldnt help but ponder, in the end, what did he feel truly defined his life--his brilliance at childrens literature or his brilliance at intelligence gathering? I guess there should be no reason why they have to be mutually exclusive, but that's the problem with social labels, I guess. It just isnt politically correct or proper to be a children's author and a dangerous spy.
Ahhh...judgement labels. My biggest pet peeve in college was being boxed into a category where I had to fit the part. What is the point of all the charades to put up a front? We pretend to be who we're not so that others will perceive us in the light that we want them to perceive us, even if it does not reflect who we really are or makes us happy. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY office politics." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually said, "I ENJOY family drama at the holidays." And yet everyone engages in it. I have never heard of ONE person who actually admitted, "I lied during our wedding vows. I actually DONT accept you for who you are. I expect you to change." It may be just my personal opinion, but I think the world would be a lot simplier place and we would have much simpler lives if we just told the truth and more importantly, accepted the truth without taking it personally.
The madness can stop today, if we start with ourselves. One person can still make a difference, at least in the circle of those that he loves. Plus, Bono says it's possible.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The "Dichotomy of Marriage" Blog
When I was in college, I took a marketing class where we watched successful ad campaigns from the last 2 decades. The clever one that always stuck in my mind was a Mercedes TV commercial that had a luxurious "De Beers" type of feel to it panning a slow-mo shot of two wedding rings coming together from opposite ends, against a backdrop of beige admist soothing classical music. When the rings finally engaged, the background turned black, the music turned into rock and the pair of weddings rings became a pair of handcuffs linked together by chain. No one remembers the pitch for the Mercedes car because we were all laughing so hard. And of course, we laughed because that was BEFORE we all got married! 
All "ball and chain" jokes aside, the truth is a somewhat sobering. It is the dualities of marriage that kills us all (and here, I dont mean in a funny way). There's him, there's her--his upbringing vs. hers, his education vs. hers, his political views vs. hers, his religion vs. hers, what he wants for Christmas (trust me, it's not another tie) vs. what she wants (it's the diamonds, stupid--not the vacuum!), what he likes to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon (watch football) vs. what she likes to do, (shop, duh--there's an all-day sale going on!), etc. There's before marriage (love, sex & freedom) and there's after marriage (no love, no sex, no freedom).
Therein lies the problem. We have warped our viewpoint such that the whole idea of marriage is a dichotomy. A dichotomy is a splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. Similarily, marriage is two individuals coming together, it's the sum of two parts. In my corporate communications training, I teach that the team concept is better than the sum of parts concept. The sum of parts result is 1+1+1=3 and the team result is 1+1+1=5. I am used to getting blank stares, so just bear with me a bit as I explain this further. In marriage, we have conned ourselves into believing that all of marriage is a series of dichotomies, when in fact, they are not always mutually exclusive.
In the honeymoon period of marriage, we feel it is our responsibility to give up who we are for the sake of "us" and of course, in the beginning, we don't mind doing so--after all, it's love, isnt it? "Love conquers all." Whenever we realize that it's been too long since we have been ourselves, the honeymoon period either comes to a screeching halt (and a divorce attorney is called) or it melts into a pattern of mundane life, whereby husband and wife has neatly segregated all of life into "what's mine, what's yours, and what's ours." At some point, a pool of resentment creeps up and this is when we start feeling like we are always sacraficing in marriage. For the Type-A'ers, a mental scoreboard is erected. He is giving us his Saturday afternoon to watch football to go shopping with her. SHE wins! She is giving up Thanksgiving with her family to spend it with his. HE wins! Before the halfway point to the 7-year itch, it is a miracle that no one has killed each other. Let's face it, there is a dichotomy here--because love and marriage ARE two different things. Love is a strong emotional driving force and marriage is a practical societal arrangement and the means by which two people show their committment to one another. Marriage is not the reason we stay together, love is. When we think the two are the same thing, love is usually the first to slip out the backdoor. If marriage were so clearly segregated into its parts (yours, mine, and ours), you are taking the love out of it (Tina Turner once asked a very good question, "What's love got to do with it?"; unfortunately we were all too distracted by her killer legs to give a good answer). As a result, from a practical standpoint, it may make it more easier to navigate and deal with but it is completely empty and devoid of the very thing that started it in the first place--Love. It is important to maintain both.
Love is always touted as the main ingredient in a marriage. I am not saying it is overrated, far from it. But I always believe that there must also be trust, respect, and compassion. Without these 3 musketeers, you cant count on a marriage to last very long. Trust, like faith, is not always something you can earn or do tangible things with--you either believe or you dont, you cant always have proof to be able to trust or believe. Respect is not putting your significant other up there on the pedastal where he/she is unattaible but not putting him/her down for stomping on; respect is an admiration for the partner who is your equal, even if they dont think, act, or approach things the way you would. Compassion is empathy that we are all humans, that we make mistakes, that we strive to become better people, that we all have the same desires to be loved, be happy and be at peace. To me, trust, respect, and compassion are the 3 musketeers + 1 (Love). Or didnt you know there was a 4th musketeer? Athos, Porthos, & Aramis make a worthy adversary, but with d'Artagnan (the original musketeer), they are altogether invincible (plus, d'Artagnan slept with the queen!) It is important to realize that whatever happens in life, we always have a choice to love, trust, to respect, and to be compassionate--not just to our significant others, but to all those in our lives that we have a relationship to.
Case in point. I had an epiphany during a conversation today that made me realize that the whole sacrafice thing is self-defeating and pointless. It creates unncessary drama and heartache. Here I was, thinking: "I dont have a choice. If I want to be in this marriage, it is what it I must do--I have to do play along, even though I dont feel like playing along. I cant have it both ways, so I have to PRETEND I like playing along and sacrafice for the greater good. I am sacraficing my freedom to do what I want, to choose what I want. And man, does it suck balls." I had felt this way because I am a person who likes having options, and I liked having one foot in and one foot out--however, I felt forced to choose one path OVER the other, thereby "giving up" the other path but never letting go of and always thinking about how I gave up the other path. It really is the sorry story of the miserly self-sacraficer. So the morale of the story goes I realized I thought I had lost my options because I felt forced to choose one option over the other--in reality, I never lost my right to choose, I didnt ever really choose and I didnt engage in my choice fully--I still had one foot in and one foot out--I was the one making myself feel like I had no choice because I was still trying live both options. I had forgotten the simple-stupidity-yet-brilliant-geniousness of my idealistic youth: "No regrets!" When one makes a choice, one should fully partake in that choice, without regrets. Thinking about the path not taken summons doubts, regrets, and possibly even resentment. The "coulda, shoulda, woulda" populates our minds to the point that we believe we have sacraficed the right to choose unwillingly, when in fact we never really chose and we never fully engaged in that choice.
[PAUSE]
So THAT is what peace of mind feels like...Me likey!
I would argue that marriage single-handedly wins as the greatest challenge in life, and in my book, it even wins over facing death (at least in death, there is an ending and you die already). In marriage, there is no winning or losing--that is one dichotomy that does not exist. In no other one individual (besides perhaps our poor children) do we heap and bank the great expectations for our lives, our future, and our happiness, while ignoring the fact that we dont really know who they are, what they are capable of, and how they will grow and change over time---and the real kicker--we dont always know who WE are, what WE are capable of, and how WE will grow and change over time. This is the dichotomy of who we are vs. who we want to be. This is the dichotomy of what we want vs. what we need. And THAT's what makes marriage so DAMN confusing--all the constant change of coming into our own and all the glorious shades of gray. But we'd be bored it if were that easy; we wouldnt feel like we earned our keep if we got the prize with so little effort. We are humans, after all. There will always be several dichotomies in marriage, but they are not all bad, and they are not all mutually exclusive. In marriage, as in life, we may be asked to make a choice. We must remember that we always have a choice but that when we make a choice, we must undertake the choice fully. Overcoming these dichotomies without internal conflict is one of the greatest personal rewards in life. That and this other really cool dichotomy we always knew at the back of our minds: Both love and marriage is about the journey, and not the destination.
The following is an article I came across that I thought was great in it of itself for its practical advice, but also telling--because it was written by one of the top divorce attorneys in our country of 50%+ divorce rates.
25 Secrets to a Great Marriage
1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very “hot” buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before responding to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of martial bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, “Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?”
2. Don’t give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.
3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to “throw up their arms” and decide that it’s useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.
4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Have you heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it’s the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat him or her accordingly.
5. Have separate interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some, too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you’re married, you don’t need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.
6. Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse’s successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.
7. Find things you enjoy doing together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don’t need to share all interests.
8. Don’t think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems – the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.
9. Give each other a break. Don’t be overcritical of your spouse. Don’t carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that’s not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It’s worth it.
10. Don’t sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don’t be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don’t like something, hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.
11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try to find out why, and you’ll find you’ll love it too. Give credence and respect to your spouse’s judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.
12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads to a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things done for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.
13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you’ve both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.
14. Be your spouse’s partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse’s separate interests.
15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If your spouse’s actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what was said or done.
16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to him or her sometimes, even if you don’t care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.
17. Don’t fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help, if needed, as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don’t let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.
18. Don’t complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.
19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don’t take the bait. It never works out. If you can’t resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you’ll probably find that you can’t end your marriage and things will have gotten better.
20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.
21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.
22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you’ll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at times. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.
23. Appreciate each other’s contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person’s contributions, whether they are financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse’s efforts at all times.
24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all of their personal issues. Because marriage does not end (except by death), a person can be secure in the knowledge that any mistakes, personality flaws, or misspoken words can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a “forever” commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.
25. Don’t think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about “love.” Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it’s worth it.
If you do all of these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have already been married for rough spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.
All "ball and chain" jokes aside, the truth is a somewhat sobering. It is the dualities of marriage that kills us all (and here, I dont mean in a funny way). There's him, there's her--his upbringing vs. hers, his education vs. hers, his political views vs. hers, his religion vs. hers, what he wants for Christmas (trust me, it's not another tie) vs. what she wants (it's the diamonds, stupid--not the vacuum!), what he likes to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon (watch football) vs. what she likes to do, (shop, duh--there's an all-day sale going on!), etc. There's before marriage (love, sex & freedom) and there's after marriage (no love, no sex, no freedom).
Therein lies the problem. We have warped our viewpoint such that the whole idea of marriage is a dichotomy. A dichotomy is a splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. Similarily, marriage is two individuals coming together, it's the sum of two parts. In my corporate communications training, I teach that the team concept is better than the sum of parts concept. The sum of parts result is 1+1+1=3 and the team result is 1+1+1=5. I am used to getting blank stares, so just bear with me a bit as I explain this further. In marriage, we have conned ourselves into believing that all of marriage is a series of dichotomies, when in fact, they are not always mutually exclusive.
In the honeymoon period of marriage, we feel it is our responsibility to give up who we are for the sake of "us" and of course, in the beginning, we don't mind doing so--after all, it's love, isnt it? "Love conquers all." Whenever we realize that it's been too long since we have been ourselves, the honeymoon period either comes to a screeching halt (and a divorce attorney is called) or it melts into a pattern of mundane life, whereby husband and wife has neatly segregated all of life into "what's mine, what's yours, and what's ours." At some point, a pool of resentment creeps up and this is when we start feeling like we are always sacraficing in marriage. For the Type-A'ers, a mental scoreboard is erected. He is giving us his Saturday afternoon to watch football to go shopping with her. SHE wins! She is giving up Thanksgiving with her family to spend it with his. HE wins! Before the halfway point to the 7-year itch, it is a miracle that no one has killed each other. Let's face it, there is a dichotomy here--because love and marriage ARE two different things. Love is a strong emotional driving force and marriage is a practical societal arrangement and the means by which two people show their committment to one another. Marriage is not the reason we stay together, love is. When we think the two are the same thing, love is usually the first to slip out the backdoor. If marriage were so clearly segregated into its parts (yours, mine, and ours), you are taking the love out of it (Tina Turner once asked a very good question, "What's love got to do with it?"; unfortunately we were all too distracted by her killer legs to give a good answer). As a result, from a practical standpoint, it may make it more easier to navigate and deal with but it is completely empty and devoid of the very thing that started it in the first place--Love. It is important to maintain both.
Love is always touted as the main ingredient in a marriage. I am not saying it is overrated, far from it. But I always believe that there must also be trust, respect, and compassion. Without these 3 musketeers, you cant count on a marriage to last very long. Trust, like faith, is not always something you can earn or do tangible things with--you either believe or you dont, you cant always have proof to be able to trust or believe. Respect is not putting your significant other up there on the pedastal where he/she is unattaible but not putting him/her down for stomping on; respect is an admiration for the partner who is your equal, even if they dont think, act, or approach things the way you would. Compassion is empathy that we are all humans, that we make mistakes, that we strive to become better people, that we all have the same desires to be loved, be happy and be at peace. To me, trust, respect, and compassion are the 3 musketeers + 1 (Love). Or didnt you know there was a 4th musketeer? Athos, Porthos, & Aramis make a worthy adversary, but with d'Artagnan (the original musketeer), they are altogether invincible (plus, d'Artagnan slept with the queen!) It is important to realize that whatever happens in life, we always have a choice to love, trust, to respect, and to be compassionate--not just to our significant others, but to all those in our lives that we have a relationship to.
Case in point. I had an epiphany during a conversation today that made me realize that the whole sacrafice thing is self-defeating and pointless. It creates unncessary drama and heartache. Here I was, thinking: "I dont have a choice. If I want to be in this marriage, it is what it I must do--I have to do play along, even though I dont feel like playing along. I cant have it both ways, so I have to PRETEND I like playing along and sacrafice for the greater good. I am sacraficing my freedom to do what I want, to choose what I want. And man, does it suck balls." I had felt this way because I am a person who likes having options, and I liked having one foot in and one foot out--however, I felt forced to choose one path OVER the other, thereby "giving up" the other path but never letting go of and always thinking about how I gave up the other path. It really is the sorry story of the miserly self-sacraficer. So the morale of the story goes I realized I thought I had lost my options because I felt forced to choose one option over the other--in reality, I never lost my right to choose, I didnt ever really choose and I didnt engage in my choice fully--I still had one foot in and one foot out--I was the one making myself feel like I had no choice because I was still trying live both options. I had forgotten the simple-stupidity-yet-brilliant-geniousness of my idealistic youth: "No regrets!" When one makes a choice, one should fully partake in that choice, without regrets. Thinking about the path not taken summons doubts, regrets, and possibly even resentment. The "coulda, shoulda, woulda" populates our minds to the point that we believe we have sacraficed the right to choose unwillingly, when in fact we never really chose and we never fully engaged in that choice.
[PAUSE]
So THAT is what peace of mind feels like...Me likey!
I would argue that marriage single-handedly wins as the greatest challenge in life, and in my book, it even wins over facing death (at least in death, there is an ending and you die already). In marriage, there is no winning or losing--that is one dichotomy that does not exist. In no other one individual (besides perhaps our poor children) do we heap and bank the great expectations for our lives, our future, and our happiness, while ignoring the fact that we dont really know who they are, what they are capable of, and how they will grow and change over time---and the real kicker--we dont always know who WE are, what WE are capable of, and how WE will grow and change over time. This is the dichotomy of who we are vs. who we want to be. This is the dichotomy of what we want vs. what we need. And THAT's what makes marriage so DAMN confusing--all the constant change of coming into our own and all the glorious shades of gray. But we'd be bored it if were that easy; we wouldnt feel like we earned our keep if we got the prize with so little effort. We are humans, after all. There will always be several dichotomies in marriage, but they are not all bad, and they are not all mutually exclusive. In marriage, as in life, we may be asked to make a choice. We must remember that we always have a choice but that when we make a choice, we must undertake the choice fully. Overcoming these dichotomies without internal conflict is one of the greatest personal rewards in life. That and this other really cool dichotomy we always knew at the back of our minds: Both love and marriage is about the journey, and not the destination.
The following is an article I came across that I thought was great in it of itself for its practical advice, but also telling--because it was written by one of the top divorce attorneys in our country of 50%+ divorce rates.
25 Secrets to a Great Marriage
1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very “hot” buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before responding to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of martial bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, “Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?”
2. Don’t give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.
3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to “throw up their arms” and decide that it’s useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.
4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Have you heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it’s the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat him or her accordingly.
5. Have separate interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some, too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you’re married, you don’t need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.
6. Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse’s successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.
7. Find things you enjoy doing together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don’t need to share all interests.
8. Don’t think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems – the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.
9. Give each other a break. Don’t be overcritical of your spouse. Don’t carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that’s not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It’s worth it.
10. Don’t sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don’t be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don’t like something, hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.
11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try to find out why, and you’ll find you’ll love it too. Give credence and respect to your spouse’s judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.
12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads to a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things done for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.
13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you’ve both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.
14. Be your spouse’s partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse’s separate interests.
15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If your spouse’s actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what was said or done.
16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to him or her sometimes, even if you don’t care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.
17. Don’t fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help, if needed, as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don’t let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.
18. Don’t complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.
19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don’t take the bait. It never works out. If you can’t resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you’ll probably find that you can’t end your marriage and things will have gotten better.
20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.
21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.
22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you’ll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at times. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.
23. Appreciate each other’s contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person’s contributions, whether they are financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse’s efforts at all times.
24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all of their personal issues. Because marriage does not end (except by death), a person can be secure in the knowledge that any mistakes, personality flaws, or misspoken words can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a “forever” commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.
25. Don’t think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about “love.” Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it’s worth it.
If you do all of these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have already been married for rough spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.
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